Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.