Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
You Might Also Like
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.