*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
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Me trying to look natural in photos
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.