her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.