I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
58.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.