Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
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My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
u spoke cat all this time??????
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea