It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Thursday
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.