Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.