Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
You Might Also Like
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
The first one, obviously
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Well, this certainly took a turn
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)