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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The Friday File.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”