Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*