am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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I really had high hopes for this year though
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.