One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.