Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
This is my cat’s medicine.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet