“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.