[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”