My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
#MeanwhileInCanada
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.