*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?