Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
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For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)