Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
God has abandoned us.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Something Saturday.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.