Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Wait a second…
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?