I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
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my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”