interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.