We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
describing stardew valley
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.