Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Just why bro?!
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma