My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”