Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
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therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!