Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Twitter fine art
Never forget.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
The Weeknd is back
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.