Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch