Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it