*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed