Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.