Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.