Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool