While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Florida be like…
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
all bases covered
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
LA today:
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.