When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*