God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
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Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.