The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.