Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I need this for my side hustle.
Cardio Made Easy
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.