People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth