{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
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I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.