Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.