What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
A family that plays together cheats.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”