No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
No Google it does not
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks