me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My life coach traded me.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The Purge: Valentine’s Day