every. time.
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.