Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ