Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”