Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.