I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
apparently this year was written by stephen king
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I love twitter
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you